Reflections of a life viewed through other eyes.

It has been ages since I thought to put words to paper and clear my chaotic
mind. The last three months for me have been a beast and I don’t know whether I
am coming or going most times.

My mom who has graciously given the last two months and more of her life to
take care of me during my recovery mentioned to me this morning about sleepless
nights and life reflections. That brought me here; so often in life we have the
perception of what our lives are like and how much we give but at no point do
we really take the time to ask how others see or perceive us. I have had so
many of these nights of Insomnia myself and spend many times wondering how I
could be a better human and why others don’t care for me as I do them. I
suppose that it isn’t truly until the end of one’s life that we understand how
we have touched others.

She, who is imperfectly perfect in all her humanly flaws have been around to
see so many changes in this world and of life. It took me a very long time to
truly get to know her (it is a lifelong journey), I think I was in my own way
as a child, and we were not yet ready for each other. During this time of my recovery,
I was able to sit still and really observe her. I see her laugh, rest, and move
and I am in awe of her energy and thoughtfulness, to so many she is aunty Judy
or big sister, and they may have only taken a moment to glimpse this side of
her. We walk to different paths to the same goal but hers is steeped in
Culture, Tradition and what she knew and mine is new age with the same base.
Quietly reserved might be the best label I have for her it seems simple but has
great depths.

This is the time in her life that she should be enjoying time spent with
grandchildren, great nieces and nephews and spontaneous visits from the actual
nieces and nephews that she had a hand in raising. However, it seems that my
generation is the one who stepped away from the inclusive family, the closeness
that bound us together and caused us to share many memories and Sunday lunches.
We have become so attached to life, work, things, and moments that we forget
the past and how it has sacrificed to shape us. Is that Nature or Nurture I
wonder or is that simply living in the United States? Do we lose our affection
and respect of elders by leaving “HOME” or are we as a generation
just so very selfish that we only have time for ourselves? I can only speak for
myself when I say that I am currently in the same type of situation. We tend to
see our mothers as caregiver, best friend, enemy and dictator for a big part of
our lives. We then go forward into “adulthood” and spend the next
thirty years trying to get over what we thought we went through in our youth. I
have come to the realization that you have to meet people where they are, we
all have different experience even in the same house, but we should take time
out of life to recognize those that have made our journey helpful, less
turbulent.

She is a treat them rough and make them love you sort of person who is very
“traditional” and not many people can handle that, I know I could not
tolerate it when I was growing up. This quiet huge voice that she had with all
the power over my life, but the thing that stands out to me the most was her
strength. I realized this morning when talking to her and being still for a
moment that I get my strength and big heart from her. She is giving in the way
that is very quiet but gets on your nerves at the same time since she always
has a comment. However, she is always the first person there to help (complaint
and all) and the last person to leave. I look at the many family members I have
and wonder why they do not care for her in the ways I think they should. Do
they see her, the sacrifices she made, how she has given to them, or do they
only hear her comments, judgements old time West Indian way?

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days that there was laughter, playfulness,
and easy comfort those days made us. I look at her and see the woman I might
become and hope that when I am sitting still in my moments of Insomnia that I
have reflections that are filled with love, laughter, caring and the many
people whose lives I have touched. The people that will hopefully remember me
when I am sitting still and no longer running after the WORLD but just sitting
still in my MEMORIES.

I can here and now say thank you for caring for me in the ways you knew how,
thank you for learning to love me despite my horrible youthful self, thank you
for taking the time to silently teach me how to be a mother, lady, woman,
fighter, thank you for all that you did and all that you still do, simply I
LOVE YOU!

#datingmyself365 #reflectionsfromothereyes #Cultureandtradition
#growingupwestindian

Covid, Pneumonia -GRADITUDE!!!!

And in the end, it’s not the years in a life, it’s the LIFE in the years.

Abraham Lincoln

I thought I was living before, but after this last life experience no more side lines for me. Grateful is the simplest thing I can say however it comes with a wealth of meaning. I felt the need to write this because so many people come up with their own theory, don’t know all of the facts or just like to talk.

Yes I love to travel, however I have been doing that since I was four so I am savvy enough at this point to get around and be careful. Yes I traveled to Mexico for the Labor day weekend, putting into practice the same things I did while in the US. For those of you that were not aware *why would you be, who are you!* Prior to returning to the US we were *ALL* required to get a Covid test and yes I was negative. So no I did not get this in Mexico, I got sick once I returned home and it was a very small window and turn around time.

Important parts

I have a horrid immune system and have had such since childhood. So when I started feeling ill I honestly thought it was because I had gotten wet by the rain in Mexico, so I did what I was taught as a young West Indian child. I rubbed myself down with vicks, put some limacol on my forehead, and made sure I was dressed warm and set in to sweat it out.

That Thursday September 9th, I figured it was a small cold I would be in for the weekend and then back to my normal routine. Whelp apparently the Universe had a different plan and I was the butt of the joke. Monday Sept 13th I went to get Covid tested as I had done so many times before and it took them less that 15 minutes to tell me I was positive, my temp was 104.0 by the end of that day. For those that do not know I suffer with Asthma (born with it), I do not always get enough oxygen and my BP usually runs on the low side so Covid came to nest and destroy.

That Wednesday I went to the Emergency Room as I was having troubling breathing, they treated me and sent me home. At this point since the 9th I have barely been taking sips of water much less eating anything. My parents complained so I counted out 20 Red grapes daily and ate as many as I could. Here we are on Friday, I am coughing, weak, temp is still between the 103-104 mark and at this point I am being asked what my ox levels are. At the time of reading it was 91%, my advisory told me to call 911 right away, this action I truly believe was major in saving my life.

As I am being wheeled into the hospital the same Dr. who saw me a few days prior saw me again and said ” I see you are having trouble breathing, we are just going to admit you” so to recap From the 9th to the 17th I am beyond sick, haven’t received any fluids, cannot breathe and they cannot get an IV on me at all. (I have been a hard stick my entire life) I lost count after stick #15 of which there was still no IV and yes they used ultrasound people and specialist my body was just in too much distress. A breathing treatment then Xray later and we found out I also had pneumonia (yay me, as though this wasn’t enough)

From this point things started to decline very quickly, I still could not breathe, talking was very hard and so I was told things were not looking good and to call my family. I remember my mom not wanting to hear such talk and having to see them and my daughter over face time and wondering if that would be the last time I saw the people I loved. I notified the Dr’s of who my health care proxies were and then they intubated me and put me into a medically induced coma with the understanding that there was a possibility I would not wake up or it could be months before.

Was this the best option, I will never really know but I am alive. It wasn’t easy this was rough on my body. I lost weight, muscle mass and time (this is the part that really gets to me) but unlike so many I am thankful I woke up. I am very ready for this next stage in which I cannot leave my home unless it is medically necessary, where I walk with a walker and see a physical therapist three times a week to help me get strong again, for the pieces missing in my memory that I may never get back. Alive, here to fight and I have so many great people in my corner that are willing to help along the way.

I am grateful to ALL of you that reached out to my parents, Aminah and sent prayers, positive thoughts. Those who took it further and made sure Aminah ate and was comforted I truly appreciate you all, I went to sleep so my part was easy then. I know the waiting was rough and I have shed many tears of gratitude since I woke up. I know the recovery will be tough but I am here for it. Please be patient with me during my recovery, it is very emotional and I am not fully ready for everything as yet.

Please be careful, understand your health, do your research and take the precautions that are necessary for your family. Please do the research though and understand that many are still passing and so either stay inside or go out but be cautious.

Thank you for reading!

Gratitude Always #datingmyself365

#datingmyself365covid

High-functioning depression!

What is this you might ask, think about that person you see who seems to be living the perfect life. The perfect spouse, job, great worklife balance and maybe children. Always on time for work and very productive at work.

The problem with that is away from the world they are miserable, disconnected from feelings, indifferent, cannot find happiness from most things, highs and lows. Because of this it is hard for outsiders to perceive that anything is wrong.

It has been a little over three years, and this is my life. To everyone I seem okay, no one could ever imagine that anything is wrong. Three years ago my morning fuctions were bacon, toast, mango and oj/Tequila. I would venture out on occassion but this got harder over time. Year two and I am still not noticing the depression, I am going through life as though everything was the same. The weight starts moving in the wrong direction and because I am functional I notice nothing. Here comes year three and I start to notice the mood swings and the high levels of sadness, until one day I was driving to work and I start crying hysterically. That was the day I started to see a therapist, and even then I was so disconnected with life that at this point I was numb. Endo, IBS, Migraines, High BP, EVERYTHING!

Yes there were people in my village constantly asking if I was okay, but I was a master of masking everything and giving the sure I am alright. Laying in the darkness, crying off and on wishing I could crawl into a hole and disappear. Here we are three years in and I do not always know whether I am “coming or going” I am just managing at this point. The drinks have lessend, but the weight grows and the feelings of self doubt are on the rise. I look in the mirror at times and the person looking back isnt someone I know or can relate to.

Wake Up, possibly eat breakfast, function, interact some, make a valiant effort to be “here” and at somepoint take muscle relaxers, or the pain killers because at this point they have two purposes and I am in pain physically and emotionally. It has been three days since I have showered, I visit my friends (because I just can’t not) but I only feel like laying in bed and dissapearing from reality. I joined a workout class five days a week, I go and it feels good but once I am back home the numbness resurfaces and we are back to square one again.

Covid hasnt helped, this being stuck in the house looking at the walls has driven me to the edge. In July I recconnected with a friend from highschool, hangging out with her, Q, the “littles”, my “Stinks” and obviously Mimi is what makes me get out of bed most days. I miss the “Petty’s” I miss the me that was full of laughter, fun, freedom and creativity, I really miss the me that lived to cook, read and dance.

I have no idea how to move forward, I have no idea how to be me anymore, whats worse, I think I am rubbing off on my daughter in the wrong ways.

I no longer want to be touched, engage in most things, feel, I just want to go sit still on an island somewhere and not think for a year. Yes I am working on dating myself and getting to know me again but I might be on pause. Can any of you relate?

Desperate for change!

#datingmyself365 #caribbeancurvystrong

Post stories, pics I am very interested.

Reinventing yourself during Covid19

We are in a time where we can really learn to (date ourselves) to really get intouch with who we are and what makes us tick. We can either be scared during this time at home or use it as a time to learn new things, get intouch with our innerself, reinvent ourselves. What are you doing while at home, what are your Covid 19 positive experiences, how has this time changed and shaped the person you will be in the new “Normal”. I

Woke up one morning and relized that I have time to redecorate, listen to someone else, cook new meals, read more and commune with nature while sitting still.

What does Denika really like, how can I motivate myself and not get bogged down in the depression. It is hard especially if you live alone and have noone to commune with. I cannot drown myself in a glass of wine each night. I started an in home garden where I am planting basil and peppers but I need to add other things. Any suggestions?

I intend to start from scratch, become the person I miss, take more chances and work on living in the moment more. So here is to living, laughing, discovering the old/new you and pushing that YOU beyond the comfortable and to the length that makes you feel scared inside and take that leap. Be safe, make good choices and I will see you in the new “Normal”.

#datingmyself365

Happiness!

Happiness, what do you think of when you hear or say this word? The dictionary siply describes (happiness) as the state of being happy. As we are rwuired to stay in and in some cases quarantine ourselves with family and other I think happiness and what it means are truly understood. This is a scary time for us all, for some it will be a time of reflection others will complete projects and start new ones others like me with do all of the above and commune with oneself. I decided at the start of this Pandemic/distraction to move myself and my daughter to somewhere Sunny and to my friends house who feels like home to me.

I was not sure what I expected but I have been at complete peace since I stepped into her door. That no worries, complete accord, acceptance and love that comes from being with people that truly care for you and allow you to be yourself and accet you as you are. While here I decided to take morning walks/runs in part to spend time with myself and the other is in accord with my health journey. I woke up one morning after being here for a week and realized that for the first time in my life since the birth of my daughter I was truly HAPPY. The anxiety suddenly disappeared, I wasnt juggling the many issues I had back home and I wasnt even stressing as I usually do over bills. In fact I find myself looking forward to each day and what it might bring, I am laughing more and being able to feel the sun on my skin is such a blessing.

I have realized more that my happiness also comes from the Sun and heat, I thrive in it. I have had several Endo/IBS flares since I have been here and it doesnt seem as bad as when I am home. This abilty to sit in peace and communie with myself and the sun has brought me my JOY. It is an important part of life and often we get so caught up in our day to day lives that we forget to take time for ourself or to understand the people we really are. Find your Joy and if this moment in time teaches you nothing else I hope you understand that life is precious and you should live each day to the max making sure to include joy and laughter.

I go home Saturday and anxiety has suddenly set in and I wonder if this glow will leave as suddenly as it came.

Until next time, live in the moment, find your joy and be happy.

Follow my pages on IG @datingmyself365 @caribbeancurvystrong @sexyreds14

That aha moment!

So I stepped on the scale yesterday randomly and got the biggest shock of my life, 215 pounds and all I could feel was disgust. How the hell did I let that crap happen, where was my brain for this whole process. It’s not to say that I am an overzealous eater, but thinking back I guess I was emotionally eating and just not realizing it. It amazes me how your life can move and you do not have to be a part of it. My grandmother passed in July of 2017 and that turned my whole world and family upside down. I found myself completely depressed but so much so I was functional. Mornings with 1800 or Jose and orange juice with some mango and bacon would get me through most days.

Things got so bad that I found myself in a tub with a razor and my wrists, totally out of control and never asking for help. This is me constantly, people constantly look at me and say things like “you seem healthy, happy” blah blah blah, if only they new. My smile hides every aspect of my turmoil, I suffer in silence and take things out on myself. Well here we are almost three years later and after so much work to get myself to my goal body and happy with me hello 60 pounds. I am devestated that I let things go this far and that I have made horrible choices and basically disconnected from life, body, reason and just let myself go. How many of you have gotten here, where you are so deep in your own crap you cannot see reality.

I am completely awake now though and while I am going to take all of my moments one day at a time I am taking the first step. Yes it is going to be hard, yes I am still going to struggle with asking for help but I do plan on being 60 pounds lighter come December 31, 2020 Blood, sweat and tears. My pescatarian diet I think needs to go out the window for 30-90 days and I might need to try Vegan. Any receipes you guys like that do not include tofu?

Thank you all for reading I also would love to hear from you, I plan to write more frequently and stay tuned for more cooking with datingmyself365.

Follow me on IG @datingmyself365 @caribbeancurvystrong @sexyreds14

As one door closes….

I am horrid at this blog, life, adult business I’ve come to realize. I suppose setting reminders and such to make sure I post will have to be my next step. I promise to also update the IG account with new pics.

As I am coming to the close of this year-long journey I have come to the realization that people actually need to empower themselves more. I was surprised at how many people follow me, watch the IG page and have started a journey of their own, this makes my heart full. With this in mind when my one year journey ends I plan to continue #datingmyself365 and bring you more things so stay tuned.

It’s not about being single or in a relationship, it is about getting back to the most important relationship in the world, the one you have with yourself. Sometimes we lose sight of our own wants, needs, desires and truths and the burdens of life are heaped on top of us. As this “door” gets ready to close, I am walking into one where I have more of an understanding of who Denika is and what I want to get out of this world and what I want to give back to it. Stay tuned as I will reveal and update on the 29th of September all of my new information.

Please also consider following my non-profit www. caribbeancurvystrong.org

Talk soon

Denika

Absence makes the heart grow fonder!

Yes I have been MIA since November, my apologies it was not intentional. While I was absent I discovered how what I started as a challenge to myself was helping others to redefine and challenge their own lives. It is truly humbling and keeps me in awe that I have any reach at all. All I can say is keep pushing and take everything one moment at a time.

So back to my absence, I was busy trying to finish another master’s degree and I have to say this MBA was and is still kicking my ass. My brain seems to have gotten lazy but I will not quit and I am happy to say that come August 5th I will be graduating. Next step is to go back and finish law school (pray for me). Also during this time I was getting my daughter ready to finish high school and start her college journey. that is another humbling experience I will go into at another time.

So updates, In January I officially finished my #consistentbaggagedrop120, that left me in a truly amazing place surrounded by people who not only cared for me but also those that can help influence my life. this journey to get to know Denika again and not the mother, daughter and other persons I have been for the last 18 and 1/2 years has set me on my ass at times. I have also been depressed, brought to tears and I am still standing.

The journey continues and I promise to have weekly if not daily updates on next steps, please see IG as I will update pictures there. Talk soon!

#datingmyself365

Real date…

Yes I said it. I do see the dates between myself and the gym, bookstore, movies and other places as real but it is nice to be asked to go for a meal with someone. The trouble is I keep blowing him off and I’m sure that he will eventually stop asking. So step one of jumping back on the horse is taking the first step. Wish me luck!

In other news I think I am ready to add yoga and a dance class to my work out regiment. Searching for the best compliments of the other.

Just living and trying to focus, adjust and make it through both of these journeys.

#datingmyself365 #consistentbaggagedrop120

Living…

I seem to be formulating my thoughts in seven day hauls. I feel so busy right now that I barely have moments to breathe. Dating my self is going well I am discovering new things, contemplating the changes of some old and tweak some of the others that are just me. Spicy, inpatient, smart, caring, loving, traveling me; I am sure I can think or others but I digress. I am a little of a month into my 120 day Consistent baggage drop and the dating myself journey and while it is filled with up hill battles I am ready to face them all head on and one step at a time.

I am not sure if the gym is my happy place but running and walking are, but I hate the cold so can someone suggest a happy medium as I need to tone these last thirty pounds.

Thats all for now, I will try to be more consistent but I have so much on my plate and I am learning to prioritize better, cause clearly I suck at it. Pics are still being uploaded on my IG page at least I am somewhat consistent with that.

Talk soon!

#datingmyself365 #consistentbaggagedrop120