What is this you might ask, think about that person you see who seems to be living the perfect life. The perfect spouse, job, great worklife balance and maybe children. Always on time for work and very productive at work.
The problem with that is away from the world they are miserable, disconnected from feelings, indifferent, cannot find happiness from most things, highs and lows. Because of this it is hard for outsiders to perceive that anything is wrong.
It has been a little over three years, and this is my life. To everyone I seem okay, no one could ever imagine that anything is wrong. Three years ago my morning fuctions were bacon, toast, mango and oj/Tequila. I would venture out on occassion but this got harder over time. Year two and I am still not noticing the depression, I am going through life as though everything was the same. The weight starts moving in the wrong direction and because I am functional I notice nothing. Here comes year three and I start to notice the mood swings and the high levels of sadness, until one day I was driving to work and I start crying hysterically. That was the day I started to see a therapist, and even then I was so disconnected with life that at this point I was numb. Endo, IBS, Migraines, High BP, EVERYTHING!
Yes there were people in my village constantly asking if I was okay, but I was a master of masking everything and giving the sure I am alright. Laying in the darkness, crying off and on wishing I could crawl into a hole and disappear. Here we are three years in and I do not always know whether I am “coming or going” I am just managing at this point. The drinks have lessend, but the weight grows and the feelings of self doubt are on the rise. I look in the mirror at times and the person looking back isnt someone I know or can relate to.
Wake Up, possibly eat breakfast, function, interact some, make a valiant effort to be “here” and at somepoint take muscle relaxers, or the pain killers because at this point they have two purposes and I am in pain physically and emotionally. It has been three days since I have showered, I visit my friends (because I just can’t not) but I only feel like laying in bed and dissapearing from reality. I joined a workout class five days a week, I go and it feels good but once I am back home the numbness resurfaces and we are back to square one again.
Covid hasnt helped, this being stuck in the house looking at the walls has driven me to the edge. In July I recconnected with a friend from highschool, hangging out with her, Q, the “littles”, my “Stinks” and obviously Mimi is what makes me get out of bed most days. I miss the “Petty’s” I miss the me that was full of laughter, fun, freedom and creativity, I really miss the me that lived to cook, read and dance.
I have no idea how to move forward, I have no idea how to be me anymore, whats worse, I think I am rubbing off on my daughter in the wrong ways.
I no longer want to be touched, engage in most things, feel, I just want to go sit still on an island somewhere and not think for a year. Yes I am working on dating myself and getting to know me again but I might be on pause. Can any of you relate?
Desperate for change!
Post stories, pics I am very interested.